I will officially begin my duties as a trained teacher the next week once school re-opens for the second semester of the year. As this day draws near, I find myself reflecting more and more, both as an individual and on my role as a teacher. While it is not the first time I am writing this, I find myself with an urge to type this out, in case I lose track of my thoughts and musings before I capture them in words, rather than just as thoughts in my mind.
I suppose I am in a particularly reflective mood since this is what I had been doing this past couple of days in school. Two days of induction into the school, and two days of staff seminar put me in this frame of mind. The staff seminar has a focus on CCE lessons, which has been brought into spotlight recently. Frankly, I haven’t exactly given much thoughts to it, except during the Social Context of Education module we did in NIE and the workshops we did during the BTOP. One of the internally conducted workshops I attended talked about the teaching of CCE through dramas. One thing which was mentioned was a lesson on self-worth. It was a lesson which I had observed earlier during my practicum. I had reflected briefly on what my self-worth is after that lesson which I had observed earlier but I guess it wasn’t really enough since I did nothing about it. I guess this shows one thing – mere reflection is not enough to result in any changes or improvements. After reflection, one must take action to improve and commit to it. If not, nothing may change.
I reflected again on my self-worth again after being asked to represent my self-worth through a pose. I knew that all along, I did not have much self-worth in certain areas, yet I can also be egoistic in some other areas. I worry, truly, that I am going to teach students about self-worth when I still lack self-worth in certain areas. How can I teach them to have more self-worth when I am equally crippled, especially in the areas in which they are going to have problems with? As I am writing this, I came to the realisation that my lack of self-worth stems from my own secondary school days, where I was struggling. I was in the TAF club and was never the popular in school. In fact, I was ostracised somewhat, being rather more matured than my peers. While being more matured at the age has helped me made the right choice that lead to who I am today, I sometimes wonder what might have happened if I wasn’t so. I don’t regret it, but wonder when I would ever get over those experiences.
I guess I can share what I have done since my secondary school days. I was determined to start each new journey afresh. I began my JC years with less shyness and being more open to approach other people to make friends.This helped me to make two good, close friends with whom I still frequently meet up to this day. I told myself that I would evolve even further in university after my ‘A’ Levels. I was the one taking the initiative to make friends, more willing to take charge, and more willing to be the centre of attention. By the time I began my teacher training after my undergraduate years, I was totally unrecognisable from my secondary school days. While I may never fully recover my self-worth, it has reached the point that I am no longer crippled by it.
I hope that I will have more time to write on this blog to hone my writing skills. As a language teacher, I sometimes find myself being unable to find the right words to express myself, despite always telling my students that they need to be precise with the use of language. However, I struggle in writing. I’m usually only satisfied with works that have gone through drafts and constant reviewing and revision. Yet my students have to complete their written work within a set period of time, with no time for drafts and revision. I hope that by blogging, I will get a chance to hone my writing skills such that I would be able to write something that I would be satisfied with, without having to go through any revision.